Extroverted Introvert

I’m not the kind of person that sees everything in just black and white. I see a lot of gray, but with this topic…it should just be black and white in my opinion.

Extroverted Introvert. This is me…and I hate it.

We get our energy from people and being away from people. Very extroverted when having one-on-one time with someone but very introverted with a whole group of people around you. This has been very confusing to me until now. I knew I wasn’t just one or the other. I was both combined. I didn’t know what that was called and didn’t know if that existed. It does exist and I wish that it didn’t. The only reason why I don’t like being an extroverted introvert because I could have kept most of the friends that I have lost during and after college. Trust issues play a big role in that but still. If I was just completely extroverted I would still be connected to my ex-friends…I would have a bunch of friends. I don’t know if they would be deep and meaningful friendships but I would have other people to hang out with and stuff besides my boyfriend and my childhood best friend. If I was just completely introverted I would probably have made one or two friends from and after college. My circle would be small and my friends would be deep a meaningful…like it is now, but the only difference is that I wouldn’t have a bunch of ex-friends and a bunch of people blocked on social media.

Unfortunately, I’m both. I’m confusing and possibly an annoyance because I’m an extroverted introvert. I like having fun with a group of people at a party or get together but sometimes I like to have one-on-one time with people but I greatly enjoy being alone so I can recharge.

These are the reasons why I hate being an extroverted introvert. This is all based on personal experience.

Let’s start off with grade school. When I was younger you can say that I had a lot of friends. Meaningful? No except for two people at that time. I was very outgoing and friendly and enthusiastic at school but when I got home I was completely different. I became reserved. I stayed in my room playing video games, listening to music, and/or just stare blankly at something and just daydream for hours until I needed to use the restroom or got hungry and wanted food or just when I got tired of being alone and wanted to spend time with my family which was very rare. So being an extroverted introvert at that time was great.

When I got older, hit puberty, and was going through changes in my life things got difficult. Kids at school became extremely more mean, I was going through an awkward phase, and I became completely introverted. I still connected with my two friends from childhood even though we were never in the same classes together. I didn’t make new friends. If anything I just made a handful of acquaintances. Nothing deep. Nothing meaningful. The kids at school were just fucking idiots and fuck heads. All they cared about was looks, having sex, doing drugs, and not giving one ounce of a fuck about school and just acting like they can do whatever the fuck they wanted to do. Puberty just made kids into fucking…fuck heads. Luckily for me, puberty didn’t turn me into a fuck head but I became the opposite of my childhood self.  I kept to myself at school and home.

My mom sheltered me until I got to college so I was very naive about a lot of things that normal eighteen-year-olds would know about. My parents didn’t even give me the Sex Talk. I had to learn that shit in high school. Anyway, when I finally got used to being in college during my freshman year, I didn’t expect to make a lot of friends…but I did. It was kinda like grade school all over again….the only problem was that I didn’t make enough time for myself. Being away from my parents was new to me. Living in a dorm room with other eighteen-year-olds and nineteen-year-olds was new to me. Quickly making a big group of friends was new to me. Just being in college and experiencing the college life was new to me. It was overwhelming…and I needed support…and they were there. And now I was being a complete extrovert.

I can’t really point out when I started to feel like…I couldn’t have one-on-one time with any of the friends I made in college. I was able to have that with a couple of people but that was it. And I can’t really point out when I thought that…they were just social friends…more than acquaintances…less than a true friend. It’s not deep but it’s not shallow either. It’s just that weird ass in-between. I didn’t like that feeling. I wanted to have deep relationships with all of them…I really did…but trust issues got in the way, I got tired of trying to keep up with their lives, and my energy level was in the negatives. I feel like I had so much energy from my years of being an introvert during my middle and high school years that my extroverted side decided to just burst out and stay for the majority of my college years. That’s probably why part of my junior and all of my senior year I stayed in my apartment alone majority of the time and had difficulty hanging with the friend group. I needed to refill my energy and be alone for a long while.

Being an extroverted introvert wasn’t the main reason why I had a fallen out with all of my friends in college but it plays a nice big part. There were a lot of other things going on but I’m not going to talk about that right now. I hate people and being alone but I like going to events or places with people. I’m such a conundrum. I wish I could just fucking hate people or fuckin love people…not this weird in-between. But I guess it’s all about balance. Balancing things isn’t my strong suit but I’m trying my best. I’m learning from my mistakes and learning new things about myself as days go by.

So what are you?

Are you an extrovert?

An introvert?

Or an extroverted introvert like me?

See you next time!

XOXO

 

 

Alcoholism

Last night I went to a restaurant by myself. I got some steak with mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. It wasn’t all that great but I was really there for their drinks. I’m not an alcoholic now but I could easily be acholic. I’m still in my shitty situation and alcohol makes me happy…like a good tipsy happy. I don’t like to be blacked out drunk because that sucks ass. I have had that happen a handful of times and it’s embarrassing and not fun at all. Those were the college days. Anyway, so I like to have a drink or two even though one drink gives me a really good buzz. The joys of being a cheap date and a light weight. So I like to be in that good middle. You’re not sober but you are also not drunk off your ass. It’s a really good feeling. You’re just happy. The smallest things can just brighten your day or night. You just want to keep feeling that way forever. But then you wake up the next morning feeling completely dehydrated and out of it which is not fun. It takes me a few hours just to feel somewhat better but then I want to drink again just so I can have that good feeling again. Now I know for a fact that that’s not alcoholism. Alcoholism is when you’re having three or more drinks almost every day. I don’t do that. I couldn’t do that. I would be continuously dying. But I feel like if my life got any lower…I don’t know. I have been in many very low points in my life where I would use alcohol and most of the time drugs to just…make the depression, anxiety, or pain go away for a while or just to forget about my low point in life. Those have been some horrible experiences. It’s only temporary. It doesn’t permanently go away…so you just have to keep drinking alcohol, smoking weed, and popping pills. All that does is fuck you up even more…mentally and physically. It’s just dragging you lower and lower. I don’t want to go any lower…but it’s just too tempting. I can easily get it because I’m 23 and it makes me feel good. I have been told by my mom that alcoholism runs in my family…hers and my dad’s…which I never knew that on my dad’s side of the family. When we get together for family events like Thanksgiving and Christmas none on of my family members pops up with cases of beer or bottles of liquor….or maybe they just do that at their own houses when their kids are not around. I don’t know! I don’t ask because it’s none of my business and I don’t really care. Now my mom’s side of the family is a different story, but I’m not going to get to all of that. Knowing that it runs in both families is kinda scary to me. I feel like the more I drink the more acceptable I am to succumb to alcoholism. I don’t want my liver to fall out of my body and I don’t want my brain to deteriorate.  I just really hope that things start looking up for me very soon.

XOXO

Is Living in The Moment Okay?

I’m trying really hard to figure out how to be happy in the situation that I’m in while also being smart. I want to do all these fun things and buy nice things that will bring a fair amount of happiness in my life right now. But I can’t do those things because I’m living off of my savings while not having any income coming in every two weeks. It needs to last until I find another job. So I basically have to be miserable and not go anywhere. I have to eat cheese and crackers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. I can only buy things for necessity and not wants. I’m in my early twenties. I want to have fun and experience new things. I want to live my life before I start my career…before I get married…before I even have children. But another side of me wants to be smart and push through the hard part and just work hard so I can play hard later on. By then I’ll probably be in my late twenties…maybe my early thirties. I don’t know. I wish I could see into the future. That way I’ll know if I spend the majority of my savings having fun now and doing what makes me happy now there will or will not be any consequences. I just don’t want to fuck myself like I have done many times before just because I didn’t have any clue of what the outcome might be. I mean anything can happen. No one can predict the future so it’s just all kind of in the air. I know that the decisions you make affect your future. If you shoot somebody or rob a bank or a store then you go to jail. I just have to make smart decisions and really think hard about my decisions and the possible outcomes. I can have fun but I just have to be smart about it and not go all out crazy and go off to some two-week vacation to some beach somewhere and just spend all the money that I have to my name. That would be awesome but really stupid. You always have to think about the long run. Don’t let some short-term pleasure ruin you in the long run. Think smart and stay focus.

XOXO

Unfortunate or a Joke

The more I think about my life the more I feel like…it’s unfortunate…or a joke. My pessimistic side tends to call my life a joke because of the countless stressful, terrible, fucked up, major situations I have been in in my life. There have been so many that it has gotten to the point where it’s laughable now…and not in a good way. I know that life isn’t perfect but…I feel like if you’re already going through some crap you shouldn’t get more crap put on you especially if you’re not good at handling major stress. I’m not good at handling stress. If I get too stressed out I just start not giving a fuck and just do whatever that makes me happy or less stressed out. Of course, that bothers other people but if it keeps me from losing my shit and ending up in jail then I don’t care. I have to think about myself, my mental, and physical health before I start caring about anybody else. This is my life. I only have one. You can’t care for other people if you can’t care for yourself. It’s common sense. Anyway back to what I was saying before. Life isn’t all that great right now. I quit my job. I live with my parents who are divorced. My boyfriend lives an hour away and doesn’t make enough time for me when I decide to come over. I am living off of the money I worked so hard saving (for more education) working at the shitty job I quit. It’s all bad. With my job, I made the right decision because that was a shit job with shit people. So I don’t regret quitting that job at all. It just sucks that I don’t have one right now and no one wants to hire someone with a bachelor degree and everyone (and me) keeps fucking up my chances of getting the job I got my degree in. It’s like the universe wants me to be miserable. I don’t know. It’s like…nothing I do…goes right…nothing. I don’t know if that’s just a hard cold fact or that’s just my anxiety and depression making me believe that’s a hard cold fact…when it’s not. The more I think about all the unfortunate things that have happened to me recently the more I think about how I could have made those things fortunate…basically, I want to go back in time and just prevent myself from making all the mistakes I have made in my life. Would my life be better or worse? Would I be in the same situation that I am now? I don’t know. No one knows. No one will ever know. I’m trying to be really positive…I really am. It’s just really hard to be consistent with the positivity when something bad just keeps happening over and over again. I just want to give up and…sink lower towards the bottom. But I can’t do that. I have to keep going. I have to keep trying. If I want to have the future that I want I can’t give up. Just keep being positive.

XOXO

It Doesn’t Hurt To Try

Hey! How’s it going? My name is Karis. This is my first blog. I’m just…trying it out. I’ve thought about doing this for a while now but I never…had that push or that motivation to just…actually do it. I think the main reason why I didn’t do this earlier because I didn’t know how to start one and if it was free or you had to pay for it. I just didn’t know. So the other day I was watching this youtube video of this couple who recently had a baby. They make these family vlogs or baby vlogs every day. I enjoy watching their videos and seeing their adorable baby. They usually just take videos of them do mundane things but often they take time talking to the audience about themselves, their relationship, and life experiences. The last video I watched the Dad talked about life basically. He started talking about how life is short and you should live your life the way you want to live it. He also talked about doing things that make you happy or things that you are passionate about and that you shouldn’t live your life being miserable and working your life away at a job that you just absolutely hate. You only have one life so we have to make the best of it. Being happy is the most important thing. Yeah, money is important too but your happiness tops that. So his little speech gave me that push to start my blog. I love writing. I have always loved writing. I use writing as therapy…that’s a whole nother post that I will do later. This post isn’t that long but it is my first one. I promise to make my next post longer. Thank you for reading!

XOXO