I’m not the kind of person that sees everything in just black and white. I see a lot of gray, but with this topic…it should just be black and white in my opinion.
Extroverted Introvert. This is me…and I hate it.
We get our energy from people and being away from people. Very extroverted when having one-on-one time with someone but very introverted with a whole group of people around you. This has been very confusing to me until now. I knew I wasn’t just one or the other. I was both combined. I didn’t know what that was called and didn’t know if that existed. It does exist and I wish that it didn’t. The only reason why I don’t like being an extroverted introvert because I could have kept most of the friends that I have lost during and after college. Trust issues play a big role in that but still. If I was just completely extroverted I would still be connected to my ex-friends…I would have a bunch of friends. I don’t know if they would be deep and meaningful friendships but I would have other people to hang out with and stuff besides my boyfriend and my childhood best friend. If I was just completely introverted I would probably have made one or two friends from and after college. My circle would be small and my friends would be deep a meaningful…like it is now, but the only difference is that I wouldn’t have a bunch of ex-friends and a bunch of people blocked on social media.
Unfortunately, I’m both. I’m confusing and possibly an annoyance because I’m an extroverted introvert. I like having fun with a group of people at a party or get together but sometimes I like to have one-on-one time with people but I greatly enjoy being alone so I can recharge.
These are the reasons why I hate being an extroverted introvert. This is all based on personal experience.
Let’s start off with grade school. When I was younger you can say that I had a lot of friends. Meaningful? No except for two people at that time. I was very outgoing and friendly and enthusiastic at school but when I got home I was completely different. I became reserved. I stayed in my room playing video games, listening to music, and/or just stare blankly at something and just daydream for hours until I needed to use the restroom or got hungry and wanted food or just when I got tired of being alone and wanted to spend time with my family which was very rare. So being an extroverted introvert at that time was great.
When I got older, hit puberty, and was going through changes in my life things got difficult. Kids at school became extremely more mean, I was going through an awkward phase, and I became completely introverted. I still connected with my two friends from childhood even though we were never in the same classes together. I didn’t make new friends. If anything I just made a handful of acquaintances. Nothing deep. Nothing meaningful. The kids at school were just fucking idiots and fuck heads. All they cared about was looks, having sex, doing drugs, and not giving one ounce of a fuck about school and just acting like they can do whatever the fuck they wanted to do. Puberty just made kids into fucking…fuck heads. Luckily for me, puberty didn’t turn me into a fuck head but I became the opposite of my childhood self. I kept to myself at school and home.
My mom sheltered me until I got to college so I was very naive about a lot of things that normal eighteen-year-olds would know about. My parents didn’t even give me the Sex Talk. I had to learn that shit in high school. Anyway, when I finally got used to being in college during my freshman year, I didn’t expect to make a lot of friends…but I did. It was kinda like grade school all over again….the only problem was that I didn’t make enough time for myself. Being away from my parents was new to me. Living in a dorm room with other eighteen-year-olds and nineteen-year-olds was new to me. Quickly making a big group of friends was new to me. Just being in college and experiencing the college life was new to me. It was overwhelming…and I needed support…and they were there. And now I was being a complete extrovert.
I can’t really point out when I started to feel like…I couldn’t have one-on-one time with any of the friends I made in college. I was able to have that with a couple of people but that was it. And I can’t really point out when I thought that…they were just social friends…more than acquaintances…less than a true friend. It’s not deep but it’s not shallow either. It’s just that weird ass in-between. I didn’t like that feeling. I wanted to have deep relationships with all of them…I really did…but trust issues got in the way, I got tired of trying to keep up with their lives, and my energy level was in the negatives. I feel like I had so much energy from my years of being an introvert during my middle and high school years that my extroverted side decided to just burst out and stay for the majority of my college years. That’s probably why part of my junior and all of my senior year I stayed in my apartment alone majority of the time and had difficulty hanging with the friend group. I needed to refill my energy and be alone for a long while.
Being an extroverted introvert wasn’t the main reason why I had a fallen out with all of my friends in college but it plays a nice big part. There were a lot of other things going on but I’m not going to talk about that right now. I hate people and being alone but I like going to events or places with people. I’m such a conundrum. I wish I could just fucking hate people or fuckin love people…not this weird in-between. But I guess it’s all about balance. Balancing things isn’t my strong suit but I’m trying my best. I’m learning from my mistakes and learning new things about myself as days go by.
So what are you?
Are you an extrovert?
Or an extroverted introvert like me?
See you next time!